Boy. Another day, another head trip across Ontario. I made more mistakes, probably alienating Vivian even further. I said things that were, again, true in the moment, but these cycles distort everything. I must remember that where and who I am at the bottom of these cycles is not representative of who or what I am. I must remember that. I am allowing the cycles of depression to distort who I am.
I am allowing my behaviour to be altered by some temporal distortion of reality. Since when was this true of me?! Temporal reality distortion is something I should have skill at dealing with!
There is something else I must remember. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Direct from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
I need to bash myself in the head with that until it becomes second nature. Not a single statement in that verse was embodied in the message I sent. In fact, the message I sent was the antithesis of all of that. When viewed in that light, all of my behaviour since about mid-August has markedly failed that test.
Vivian, I’m sorry. I was lost, and in my distorted world, I lost who I was. I’m trying to fix that. You have my total forgiveness, insofar as it is needed, and I ask the same of you. I repent of my past ways and am trying desperately to realign myself. I have no excuse except that time-worn lament: I was deceived. I know you must heal now. I shall try my best to stick to the promise I broke today. I was entirely at fault. I do not blame you any longer for not speaking with me. I wouldn’t want to speak to me either, given the back story.
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